I didn't realize until yesterday, when I said it aloud, that I am grieving.
That is what is happening.

I also didn't realize that the grief process is a recursive one.

At first I was in denial; then I was angry. I bargained; I was depressed; I accepted. But it didn't stop there.

I got angry again. I bargained. I was in denial. I was depressed; I was angry; I accepted.
I bargained...

One small victory (if it can be called that) is that I have come to see that this is natural and right. I am in mourning, and that is okay. Death is not the only loss. I do not have to feel ashamed that I am hurting.

Almost a week ago I lamented that losing Eli was like losing Molly all over again, only worse, a million times worse. And it is. And it will be.

And I have to keep going, regardless.

As many times as I fall, I cannot allow myself to break.

I must bounce.

This one demands it:

And in catching him, I catch myself.


Cathy said...

Can you hear my heart breaking? I love you, brave one.

Steph said...

So well stated. Each day does get a little brighter and with each passing day there comes a different obstacle. How you deal with that obstacle is the big thing. It is much like death in that you still hurt but you must push on...don't forget to grieve along the way and deal with things one day at a time!! You are a strong person and you will prevail. YOu have lots of people rooting for you...we love you lots rach!!!