The doldrums.

I spent the day napping, reading, and napping, intermittently playing cars or choo choo train with Eliot, when he periodically got fed up with watching tv or playing on his own.

I took him out for our evening stroller ride, but halfway through it began to rain on us, so we cut it short and went home.

We did do some dancing to a Melissa Etheridge CD in my bedroom. Eliot was messing with the CD player, demanding "mooik," so I turned it on and we danced crazily all over the place. That was easily the highlight of the day.

Otherwise, the day was long and sad.

I've been going to bed at 8:30 many a night lately, only to lie there awake for hours, doze, and wake up and lie there awake some more. I read books to pass the time, but I couldn't tell you the plot of any one of them I've gone through.

I make trips to Walmart to give myself some small sense of purpose. I need...matches...yeah, matches. I take time getting ready, getting Eliot ready, perusing the store much longer than necessary, taking the long route home to arrive finally in the same place with my matches. But I don't feel like lighting a candle. So I don't. I put the matches in a drawer. Tomorrow I might need sandwich bags.

I keep my phone constantly in my pocket, in case someone calls or texts. I don't really want to talk to whomever it is, but then, his or her voice might break up the day. Make more minutes pass until I can put Mog to bed and slink between the covers myself.

I spend the whole day waiting. For what, I don't know.

I noticed today that the peonies have just about exhausted themselves already, and that makes me sad. The summer is moving too quickly, and too slowly.

It passes me by. I am standing still, immoveable.


Adriane said...

You need involvement Charlie Brown! Stop thinking and work on your summer project you were telling me about. Thinking is never fun during depressing times.

Rachel said...

Hmmm...you know, I'd always thought of myself as Lucy, but you know what? You're right. I'm totally Charlie Brown. Well, and Linus. And maybe a bit of Schroeder. With, of course, a healthy helping of Marcie. :)

Elecia said...

and somedays, a bit Pigpen. I myself am 100% Sally.