It's official.

I am divorced.

My ten year marriage is legally over, our assets and debts divided up, papers signed. Eliot will bounce back and forth between the two of us like a ping pong ball for the next fifteen years.

It isn't what I wanted.

I thought I would feel a sense of relief, maybe have a lighter step walking out of the courthouse, as though the proceedings would lift the weight of grief off me. But that didn't happen. I walked down the courthouse steps with tears streaming down my face, barely aware of my surroundings. I stumbled to my car and drove back to my apartment in a blur.

I sit here now, contemplating my (and Eliot's) future, wondering what life may have in store for us next. My head knows that this is for the best. My head knows that I will be happier and healthier with my marriage behind me. My head just hasn't successfully conveyed this truth to my heart yet.

I have felt, in the last couple of weeks, like a trapeze artist, perched on the edge of the platform, waiting in darkness for my turn to perform. And today, in court, the spotlight swung to me, and I swung through the air with a determined grip on the bar. I can't see where I'm going. Everything is a blur of colors and faces. I don't know if I'm headed for the opposite platform, or if there's someone swinging towards me to catch me. A large part of me is afraid, terrified to let go.

But I know it will be okay. I will let go when I am ready, and at that point I will not fear the blind flight through the air. Because the net beneath me is made up of wonderful people. Family, friends, fellow bloggers, even the adorable couple who run my local coffee shop and gave me extra whipped cream in my drink today--all are standing there below me with joined hands, ready to catch me should I fall.

But...I will not fall.


Amy said...

Good luck Rachel :-)

chksngr said...

You are so courageous! Thanks for sharing this! I'm praying for you and pulling for you. You won't fall. You are going to be magnificent...just not in the way you imagined!!! Go, girl!

Enjoy the Ride said...

No, you won't fall... you absolutely have a wonderful NETwork of people who care about you and will help you make it. I believe in you! HUGS!

Terri said...

And if you do fall a little bit, we'll all hoist the net, and you can bounce back up higher than ever.

Tracy said...

Even if you do fall, I will be there to catch you. Love you.

katie l said...

It's going to be OK, and after awhile it's going to be great. I bounced around as a child of divorce, and not only survived, but feel as though my life was enriched even when it hurt. It takes a strong woman to walk away from a bad marriage, and I applaud you. You've just opened a door to a million wonderful possibilities. You once said to me "keep breathing," and now I'm saying it to you. You'll be in my positive thoughts!

Megan said...

Here's a weird coincidence. I'm working on something for your birthday in New York. As I was considering special NYC things, I came across this: Trapeze School

I talked to Joe about it, and he wanted to do it with us. It was going to be this fabulously fun surprise, but when I went to register us, it asked all this information about health and emergency contacts..and I figured perhaps it wouldn't be the wisest surprise in the world.

Then, you wrote this blog, and I hadn't even thought of all the metaphorical associations of the trapeze and letting go and just having blind trust in the future. I just thought, "Trapeze. Sounds like fun."

Anyway, if you do want to do it, let me know. I will still pay for it. It just won't be a surprise. :-)

Suzanne said...

best wishes to you :)
i hate to sound cliche but i really believe that when one door closes another one opens!