At least I have one constant in my life: Eliot. He will always be my son and I will always be his momma. This is the relationship that truly survives for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health. Sometimes the fact of the permanency of parenthood is comforting and sustains me. At other times, it's downright frightening, and I feel as though I could buckle under the pressure of being someone's parent for THE REST OF MY LIFE.
This morning I woke up not feeling well. I felt like a mountain of food was lodged in my throat and going to force its way up and out at any moment. So despite Eliot's "My tummy is hungry for FOOD!" demands, and his clinging to my back shouting, "Giddy-up, horse! Giddy-up, horse!" I trudged into the bathroom and knelt by the toilet, waiting.
As I stare into the watery, puke-inducing depths of the toilet, Eliot asks, "Whatchyou looking at, Mom? Whatchyou looking at down there?"
"Mommy is sick. I think I'm gonna throw up."
"Oh. You gonna throw up out your mouth, Mommy? You gonna throw up out your mouth, huh?"
(Please keep in mind that this conversation is transpiring with me hunched over the toilet and Eliot still clinging to my back with his arms flung around my neck and his spindly little legs wrapped around my middle.)
While barfing into the toilet with my son wrapped around my body isn't exactly the way I prefer to spend my mornings, I still can't find much to complain about in it.
He's here. He's always here. He will always be with me; even when he's with his dad, he's with me.
Sometimes he's a monkey on my back, and sometimes he's cuddled up next to me on the couch while I rest and he watches Mighty Machines.
The final divorce papers were waiting for me in my mailbox this morning, just needing to be signed, notarized, and filed. The last page says that this marriage is hereby dissolved, and each party is free to marry again as though they had never previously been married.
Eliot's father is no longer my husband.
But no matter what happens, Eliot will always and forever be my son.
This is what I hold onto and cherish.