One of my New Year's resolutions was to post to my blog once a day. Epic fail! I have actually written fewer blog posts this year than any year since I started blogging in 2007. :(

It's not that I don't have anything to say--you all know I have, as my ex-husband so lovingly called it, "diarrhea of the mouth." (Such a charming man, that one.) I'm not sure what it is keeping me from blogging. I often come here, write a few lines, and then don't hit the publish button. Maybe it's the Facebook feed holding me back. I write more honestly and freely when I can pretend I'm only talking to myself. Seeing my posts show up in my newsfeed and on my profile page makes it all uncomfortably public. I feel like Naomi Watts' character in I <3 Huckabees in her bonnet alternately screaming "Look at me! Don't look at me! No, look at me! No, don't!"

When I began Stop. Drop. Roll. I had a clear purpose: I needed a space in which to slow down, take a deep breathe, and think things through before I could move forward. My blog acted as a thought dump, an empty space where I could gather together and articulate my feelings and then leave them behind. Every time I hit "publish," I felt like a weight was lifted from me. Or, to use the metaphor I began with, like the fire was, not out, necessarily, but under control.

Now, I don't know what my purpose is here. I feel guarded, and there's so much I can't say. Maybe it's time for a new, private blog. Or just password protect this one? On the other hand, the thought of making it all private grates against me. I guess it's my Gemini personality giving me fits--I have always been simultaneously very open and yet painfully shy. Balance is elusive. Everything in my life swings wildly back and forth, to and fro. Sometimes I'm not sure balance is even desirable...and...now I'm definitely rambling.

Anyway, this is what is on my mind lately. Push and pull, private and public, what needs to be shared and what needs to be kept quietly packed away.

I don't have the answer yet.


Kai said...

Oh Rachel, I completely know how you feel. I do, I do, I do, I do! I've been quieter on my blog lately than I have in ... ever. I have so much I want to spew, but I know there are people out there now reading my blog that I don't want to see that "spew"... so I hold back. I guess I, too, need to figure out the "point" of my blog. Right now I'm trying to find my journaling niche... I love the concept of art journaling over the whole just writing it all out. It's like a double expression. So I'm dabbling there, but right now I'm more into the "making it pretty" than the getting the "spew" out of me. So... I do understand your dilemma... or confusion... or quandary... or whtever. Cyber hugs anyone? :)

chksngr said...

I get this, so completely...Perhaps you should pick a point...and write about that. Like mommyhood...or art...or authors you love...or funny things that happen when you teach...my friend the writer uses his blog as a way to write about the funny things that happen in his college classroom. He's a writing professor, so its hysterical stuff. I have a friend who blogs about homemaking - menus, schedules, decorating, homeschooling and the like. I love your writing...especially when you reach down deep and pull at those heartstrings...but I get it. SO COMPLETELY! My blog is one of those with a multiple personality disorder. It disfunctionally perfect for me! HA!

nancy said...

I think I know how you feel. After I started sharing my blog on Facebook, there was definitely a different "tone" for me... it's hard to describe. I know I can't go back, since this is part of my job, but I do miss the old days when it felt like a circle of friends who really knew me.