Eliot was absolutely rotten about going to bed this evening. He stayed up a full hour and a half later than normal, until I finally let him cry it out a bit, then went back in and rocked him until he basically gave in to sheer exhaustion.
Apparently, I've let him slip in bed with Momma one too many times. I think he's getting to where sometimes he doesn't want to go to sleep without me. I knew it was a bad idea when I started doing that, but frankly, I have a hard time sleeping by myself too. Once Eli started third shift, I had a really hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. So when Mog was up in the night I'd just bring him back to bed with me rather than putting him in his crib. He kept me company, kept me warm (that kid is absolutely hot-blooded just like his daddy, and sweats in his sleep), and kept me from getting up and trudging into his room to comfort him forty times a night when he would wake and not be able to get back to sleep on his own.
So, yeah, I've created a monster. But he's a snuggly little monster.
He pushes himself right up against me, usually wedging his head in under my neck, with his toes digging into my fat gut roll. Gross, perhaps, but cozy. I usually have to pick him up and scoot him back over against the wall once or twice during the night because he slowly scrunches closer and closer until I'm falling off the bed.
This nightly routine reminds me so much of the time I babysat Zayda for Elecia when she had to carry the mail. Elecia had to leave early in the morning for work, and Zayda was still sleepy, so I put her to bed with me and she snuggled in and fell back asleep. I couldn't sleep (probably because of the incredibly loud sound of her thumbsucking!), but just lay there enjoying her warmth and the feeling of her fuzzy jammies up against my skin. She had slung her arm around my neck and scooted right up against me, and I just lay there for the longest time feeling so loved.
It was during those early morning moments, snuggled up with my niece, that I knew for the first time, really KNEW, in the most visceral way that I wanted to be somebody's momma.
You remember the old Depeche Mode song,"Enjoy the Silence"? The lines that go, "All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here, in my arms..."? Yeah, it was like that. And it is like that now, with my son.
And I am grateful for every moment.