"Procrastination is an evil monkey."
"If you don't understand the assignment, please come and see me during my office hours...sometimes I have candy. I'm like the witch from Hansel and Gretel. Pleeeze, cheeldren...come into my office. My desk is made of peppermint sticks."
"If you're feeling overwhelmed, break the assignment down into small tasks. Set small goals and reward yourself for acheiving them. For example, promise yourself that you'll work on revising your thesis statement tonight and then when you finish, eat a brownie. Just one brownie, NOT THE WHOLE PAN OF BROWNIES." **and then, pointing a slow, surveying finger around the room**: "You know who you are."
Sadly, these are just examples of the dumbass things I've actually uttered out loud to one of my classes THIS WEEK ALONE. Note that today is only Tuesday.
However, I'm feeling pretty suave, since one of my colleagues (who shall remain nameless) popped in today to share her/his concern that she/he will surely be sued over having asked a class which presidential candidate they felt was mostly likely to have sex with animals.
Clearly there are some contenders around here for the stupid teacher of the year award. And I thought I had it in the bag.