5.17.2010

"Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck?"

My mother always told me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Luckily, I rarely take her advice, or I would be a very quiet person indeed. But every time I've sat down to write in the past several weeks, this is the phrase that runs through my head. The two miniature Rachel's perched upon my shoulders argue back and forth and change their perspectives so often that I don't even recognize which is my angel and which my devil anymore. One says "Write," while the other sneers, "You have nothing worth saying."

I feel myself standing at the precipice, vulnerable, wavering. Everything around me whispers that this is the moment. I must choose to either move on or wallow and stagnate. The pull of my bed and the covers that I could stretch over my head and disappear into is more than magnetic.

If I am to go on, I need to construct a new life, new routines, new deviations from the routines. I'm still standing with one foot in the past, rooted in a quicksand of memories and old dreams. If I'm to step onto firmer ground, it's very likely that only my foot will make it. Here is what will happen: with a great sucking noise, the mud will refuse to release my shoe and I must leave it behind. But I'm attached to that shoe. What happens if I move on without it? Does it sink and disappear? And what happens to my naked foot without that shoe?

Rachel, why the hell are you talking about shoes and black sucking muck? This makes no sense. And are you on a precipice or struggling in a quagmire? Cause it can't be both. For the love of god, woman, choose a metaphor and stick with it! What is your problem?

This is the problem.

The more I struggle, the deeper I sink.

4 comments:

Stephanie said...

I will, with luck, be moving soon. Once I'm settled in, come visit. We can mix metaphors and debate the to-write-or-not-to-write dilemmas and compare notes on the excruciating-exciting-devastating-hopeful nature of constructing new lives, identities, and routines and reflect on these crossroads moments in it's-been-too-long company. Because we seem to think and feel and give expression in too many of the same ways, there will be lots of "yes!" and "exactly!" and "open another bottle!" moments. We will laugh and cry and vent and eat and drink and catch up. And this will be good. Let's plan it. I mean it.

chksngr said...

okay...this is going to sound really really harsh...but...if the more you struggle the deeper you sink....stop struggling. Its counter-intuitive but lets review...you can't STOP what is happening in many of the arenas of your life right now...you cannot control it all because there are other people involved and they HATE to be controlled. (DARN IT because my life, personally, would be SOOOO much easier if I could just control how they act...seriously...) Its really crappy that you feel you have to fight so hard to hang onto something that is hurting you so much! I hate it! I HATE IT!! I HATE IT!!! To use a really horrible cliche, you cannot possibly accept the good that can come next in your life into your hands if you are clenching in your fist the things that are no good for you. And DAMMIT RACHEL WRITE!!! Even if it SUCKS OUT LOUD it is cathartic...and eventually YOU WILL be able to make something of it! Don't waste your pain...seriously!!! And hey...I love you, girl!

nancy said...

For me, the big lesson of 2010 has been that real change takes time. So whatever you do, take your time. There's no rush to move on. Or to not move on. And all your bloggy friends will still be here, cheering you on!

Enjoy the Ride said...

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller

All I can tell you, hon, is to put one foot in front of the other and start moving forward. Staying in one place is not going to get you anywhere. Even if it's a tiny step, once a day... even if the mud sucks your shoes off and you have to step forward barefoot, at least you will be moving forward. Set your sights on the horizon and leave what is behind you, there... it does no good to drag the weight of it along with you. It will only hold you back.

Many hugs and all kinds of strength flowing to you during your time of trial. And, I agree with chksngr - WRITE. At the very LEAST it is cathartic. Anything more than that is whipped cream and a cherry on top. HUGS!